


Touch (Discontinued)

by Crippleth



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Relationships, Gang Rape, Haphephobia, I'm Bad At Summaries, M/M, My First AO3 Post, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Raped Haiba Lev, Recovery, Slow To Update, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-25
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:48:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25031971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Crippleth/pseuds/Crippleth
Summary: Following a bad decision and utter immaturity and idiocracy, as well as a horrible and traumatic experience no one deserved to go through, Lev tries to continue his life as if nothing terrifying has ever happened.Well, it wasn't easy when something as simple as congratulatory pats on the back sent him running.(DISCONTINUED)Rewritten Version is out!!https://archiveofourown.org/works/29359635
Relationships: Haiba Lev/Yaku Morisuke
Comments: 60
Kudos: 168





	1. Burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Lev is a fool.

He was so stupid, so idiotic and immature, so careless and foolish. This wouldn't have happen if he was just a bit more smarter and mature, maybe like Yaku or Kai.

But all of what was happening was all his fault, all for being a foolish and dumb kid that couldn't take care of himself despite starting highschool. What the hell was he thinking? He couldn't wait to look at the mirror at home and spew every single self-deprecating profanities at his own reflection, the reflection of an incredibly stupid half-russian teenage boy that thought going through a dark alleyway with multiple intersections to get home early enough to watch the newest episode of his Korean drama series on time. He should've taken up Sou's offer to ride the back of his bike home, that would have ensured his position in the current situation to never exist in the first place.

But no, his dumbass thought a dark, shabby alleyway with the thick scent of cheap cigarettes you could smell from a mile away was the best choice to get his ass on the living room couch and switch the TV on and cry at the sad episode on time. There was no one else to blame on his recklessness, nobody but his stupid ass. God how much he hates his Idiocracy right now, words absolutely could NOT define how enraged he was of his mental age.

Right now, as he silently berates his foolishness with pure rage and embarrassment, Lev presses his back as hard as he can against the moldy, damp brick wall. It felt disgusting, but to hell with his well-taught hygiene. He needed to get as far away from those slimy disgusting bastards as he can, and it really is leaning more towards 'can't'.

"What are you so scared of, pretty boy? Don't be shy..." One of the men says, as he slowly approaches Lev nonchalantly, as if Lev wasn't a 6'5 atheltic teenager that could've roundhouse their asses to hell with his trained legs had he desired to do so. Unfortunately, even if he doesn't and will not admit it, Lev was scared shitless. Fuck it, he's terrified of what was about to happen to him, as he whimpers and recoils further when one of the grown men gets too close to him.

"Hah?! Did you guys hear that? He sounds pathetic as hell, is he gonna piss himself?" One of them says and the others bark in laughter, a fully-bearded guy amongst them mimicing his cowardice in mockery. It was annoying as hell. "Wouldn't be surprised if he did. He's fucking shaking" "Whatever, bet it'd sound better once he jumps on my dick." One of them scoffs. "Hey, who says yer dick's gettin' his ass first?"

As the group of clearly uneducated perverts bicker on who would get to steal his V card first, Lev saw this as a glorious opportunity to try and sneak away to sweet freedom and into the couch of his home.

Glorious his fucking ass. Once again, how very foolish he was.

One of the men, a heavily muscular one at that, noticed his pathetic attempt to escape and immediately ceased his actions, quickly reaching out and grabbing Lev's slender arms with his large, rough hand. Lev yelped as the guy tightened his grip and smirked like a piece of shit he is at him. It hurt like hell, fuck.

"Hey, hey... Where do you think you're going..?" He says in a sing-song voice. The other guys stop their squabbling as they noticed, and all of them puts on shit-eating grins on their dirty faces and started to surround Lev, not giving him any space to slip his gangly limbs through and escape. Another guy, less muscular but certainly just as strong, grips his other arm just as tightly as the other guy did. He tried tugging his arms free, but those men were too strong as they cackled at his fruitless attempt.

"Let me go." Lev says, failing to hide the crack in his voice as he tries to appear unfazed. Well that certainly didn't work well. " _Let me go..!_ " a skinny but broad man, like a plank, mocks his tone, exaggerating the trembles in his voice by two notches. They all howl madly in laughter when Lev struggles harder against the two men's powerful grip on his arms. Their voices irritated Lev more and more by every second passing by. "Let me-"

Lev yelped embarrassingly when the two guys holding him suddenly forced his body down, causing him to land on his bottom on the hard, damp concrete ground. As he looked up, every color in his face drains away as he knows theres no escaping from his horrid fate today. Seven grown men, including the ones gripping his arms from any movement, looms over him with perverted lust openly and shamelessly shown on their faces and eyes, as all of them disgustingly grins widely from ear to ear at Lev's vulnerable and weak position.

There was just silence for a few moments, all of them shamelessly tracing their eyes on Lev's unprotected slender build, one of them licking their lips, causing Lev to flinch. There were tears pricking the corner of his eyes as his entire body trembled in fear, still trying to free himself from the strong grips of the two sitting beside him.

As his mouth accidentally lets out a cracked whimper, all of them immediately attacked Lev at the same time, their hands roaming under Lev's clothing in areas he didn't like. He didn't like how they were touching him. He didn't like their touch. He hated their touch. Right now, he wanted nothing more than to be free from these men's disgusting, calloused hands roaming his skin. He wanted to scream.

He tried to scream, but one of them clamped his mouth and he absolutely _hated_ how rough his hand was, forcefully pressed against his mouth, taking away his ability to make a single sound. His screams of terror muffled against the hands as tears streamed down his pale cheeks, his eyes widening in absolute terror as he feels a finger sneak into his pants' waistband and slowly pulling them down and it made him want to scream in frustration. His legs immediately kicked and flailed around, trying to kick away whoever the fuck was trying to expose his ass.

Everywhere. Lev could feel their rough skin everywhere. Every single inch of his skin screams in mortifying pain as their disgusting hands... _touched_ him.

It felt like their hands were made of metal that was scorching red after being put over a fire, their disgusting hands and calloused fingers roam his entire body and it _burned_. His entire body was burning hot, fire licking against every single inch of his skin and it made him want to scream out until his throat explodes. He felt pain more agonizing and mortifying than he had ever felt his entire life, and not one moment did he find any pleasure in it. It was fucking horrifying. He wanted to shout, scream, yell, swear as loudly as he can and to hell with those men's eardrums. But he couldn't, he can only suffer as he hears his own pathetic muffled screams that actually sounded fucking hilarious he could have laughed at it himself if he wasn't sobbing and making his face all messy with tears and snot. With the hellish laughter that exploded around him, the group of men certainly found humor in it.

And when one of them... _entered_ him, christ on a stick, it felt like they fucking inserted hot magma into his ass and his insides. Lev howled in pain against the large hand on his face and they fucking laughed at him like those evil cartoon villains with top hats and handlebar mustache. It fucking burns, his skin felt like melting off or just scorched and crisped into burnt flakes. Last he checked, Kuroo said sex was heavenly, but this experience was nothing but pure hell for him. Although, last he checked, sex was also performed on a much more comfortable surface, preferably a bed, with someone you love and most importantly, with fucking consent on both sides. But these- these _disgusting monsters_ , they're treating his body like an object, a sex toy, doing whatever the fuck their perverted minds desire to bestow upon him and it FUCKING BURNS.

The entire experience was held longer than Lev's sanity could take, it felt like bathing in hot molten rock for days to no end. His entire body felt hot, burning, fucking painful as hell to the point he may as well look like burnt steak. When they finally finished, all seven large disgusting dirty dicks destroying and burning his insides one by one, excruciating pain overwhelming his entire body inside and outside the whole time, they left him there alone. He could feel his entire body trembling so intense his brain could have been jumbled up, his tears still stubbornly streaming down from the horror and he was panting so heavily he'd spare no oxygen for the other inhabitants of earth.

It felt like it took him several hours, days probably, before his mind could think properly and he took notice of his surroundings. It was dark, a pitch black sky looming over him, it felt like they were disappointed in him, mocking him even. The ground felt cold on his exposed ass, and it reminded him his dick was still sticking out, shivering from the cold of the night. Struggling from the stinging and aching pain on and in his lower body, he sat up and reached out for his pants, which was thrown farther away on a wall, much to his dismay. It took him several more minutes before he could muster up the strength and force his body to crawl over to his pants and much longer to properly pull them up. After succeeding, he sat there leaning against the wall, breathing heavily and–fuck goddammit he's still crying. It was just so fucking horrifying, it was as if he was thrown into hell for the day as brutal punishment for being too much of an idiot for his own good.

He remembered the existence of his bag, and he immediately reached out for it, ignoring the screaming pain on his entire body. He rummaged into it and was relieved as he found his phone safe and sound, although there were cracks on the edges, probably from being carelessly thrown earlier. He unlocked it and, to his horror, was several notifications mocking him on the screen.

113 unread texts and 53 missed calls from 'Alisa(◕ᴗ◕✿)'.  
42 unread texts and 22 missed calls from 'Inu~Sou(・∀・)★!!'.  
53 unread texts and 18 missed calls from 'Chibi-yama( ◜‿◝ )♡'.  
16 unread texts and 12 missed calls from 'Kuroo-sanฅ^•ﻌ•^ฅ'.  
39 unread texts and 20 missed calls from 'YAKU-SAN!!!(◍•ᴗ•◍)♡'  
9 unread texts and 21 missed calls from 'Tamahiko-kun(｡・//ε//・｡)'  
42 unread texts and 19 missed calls from 'Kai-senpai╰(⸝⸝⸝´꒳`⸝⸝⸝)╯'

There were several other more, but all the color drained out of Lev's face and the sight of so many panicked people trying to know where hell he was and he yelped in horror as he saw the time. It was three in the fucking morning in Saturday, he was missing the _entire.fucking.day_. He took a moment to silently berate himself a few more times before shoving the phone back into his bag, hoisting it on his shoulders and as fast as he could without running–because his body is screaming–, he rushed home. He can't afford to worry Alisa further.

The entire journey home was filled with intense excruciating pain throbbing his limbs with every move he made. He felt something disgusting trickle in his pants but he decided to ignore it and push on further, forcing his legs to move and move until finally, his house was withing his field of view and he as quickly as he can, stagger towards it. He didn't hesitate or even think further as he stood in front of his front door before with all the strength he could muster, he stuck his large palms on the large pieces of wood and threw the doors open.

Everyone in the living room, his sister, along with Inuoka and Yaku, threw their heads up in shock at whoever was at the door. Lev could see their faces morph into shock and relief, and Alisa gasped into her hands before rushing up terrifyingly fast towards the door and throwing her arms around him so tightly Lev felt the air leave his body in one motion. "LYOVOCHKA!!! Where have you- where- oh my god, you're alright! You're ALRIGHT!!!".

The moment she was on him, Lev got the hint of something wrong.

When Alisa's arms wrapped around him in pure relief as she sobs into his chest, he found that he couldn't breath. Literally, it felt like breathing through a thin straw and oxygen wasn't entering his body properly. Alisa isn't very strong and Lev has gotten used to her hugs since he was a small, little child. He didn't realize it, but soon his body was wriggling and his arms was desperately trying to push her smaller form away from him. _Let me go, please_ , his mind pleaded, but he didn't say a word. He should be happy and relieved, he should be a sobbing mess of happy tears, he should be returning her hug with twice the amount of strength, but no. He... hated the hug.

Fortunately, Alisa was to enveloped in sobbing and wailing to notice her brother trying to free himself from her harmless yet destructive grasp, and soon she pulled away without noticing a single thing askew. "Lyovochka... Where have you been, where were you?! Everyone was worried sick, _I was worried sick_ , you- where in the world did you disappear off to..?!!" She scolded, struggling to form the proper words of how relieved and happy but also blatantly furious she was at Lev's long disappearance.

Lev immediately tensed up in fear and worry, as he considers what to tell her... no, he can't tell her what happened to him, he can't break her heart more when it just healed with his arrival. He can't tell her he so carelessly walked into a shabby alleyway and fucked up and got... _attacked_... by seven grown men, he can only imagine the heartbreak and horror so vividly displayed on her face. She'll never set her eyes off of him ever again. He looked at his two friends and, with their faces hailing from the volleyball club, he remembered what motherly Kai said before they left.

_"Be careful, today's weather is really hot. Drink some water before heading home or you could faint in the middle of the streets from the heat! You wouldn't want that."_

"...It was... really hot and I might've overworked at the club, so I probably blacked out on the way home. I uh, didn't drink much water today, so it's probably why I was out for so long..." He paused, before looking at his sister with tear-filled eyes. "I'm sorry..." He choked out and his sister sighed. "Oh, Lev... you... don't you know how worried I was when you didn't arrive home when it was already one in the morning..? I was frightened, I was so terrified of what might've happened to you out there..." She said softly, her eyes welling up once more as she looked at Inuoka and Yaku with a warm smile. "Morisuke-kun and Sou-kun was kind enough to search for you on the streets you usually go through while heading home, but when... when they told me you were nowhere to be found, I... I... I j-just..." She cut herself off before choking into a fit of violent sobs once more. Lev wanted to hug her, to reassure her and tell her that everything is fine, he's here in one piece, but he can't. He couldn't move at all at the mere thought of it, and he curses at himself for being a jerk on not comforting his crying sister. An idiot then a jerk, how wonderful.

Sou walked over to them with relief and exhaustion washed over his usually cheerful face. "Lev, we- we looked everywhere for you. Believe me, _everywhere_... Where- where were you..?" He said softly, but his voice was somewhat strained. Lev can't blame him for being angry, so he looked down between his toes in shame. He didn't want to face their disappointed faces, even if he deserved every single judgement and scrutinization. And then the presence of a strong hand grabbing his arm made his nerves blare sirens.

_DANGER._

Violently, harshly and so un-Haiba-like, Lev flinched and yanked his arm back to himself, safe and sound from anyone else, from anything else. When he saw the shocked looks on their faces, and hurt visible from Yaku's face did Lev realize what he had done. He coughed and shuffled slightly away from them. "S-sorry... I- My entire body aches badly right now, and my arm feel really hurt probably because it's the one that landed on the ground when I fainted..." He said, or lied. He didn't know, he wasn't so sure himself whether what he said was true or not, because the touch _stung_. Maybe by tomorrow, he'll be fine. And it appears that Yaku bought it, as his facial muscles softened and he smiled reassuringly. "I see, sorry..."

Lev softly smiled and waved his hand slightly, giving his senpai a sheepish reassuring smile. "It's alright," he said, probably lying. "It's not your fault I'm an idiot to cause so much damn trouble." There was a slight falter in Yaku's expression when he said that, but Alisa and Inuoka just chuckled tiredly. "Alright then. Do you want to go to the clinic tomorrow Lev? We should make sure everything is fine, knowing you decided to collapse somewhere we couldn't find you."

"Hah? No, definitely not! Completely unnecessary, the ace of Nekoma can handle it!" he proudly declared, pressing his thumb againts his chest as he grins, although his smile was slightly lopsided, he was fucking exhausted, what the hell. Inuoka laughed and patted Lev's back a little, not noticing his flinch. "You do you, Lev, you do you..."

Alisa looked like she was about to argue and object and lecture endlessly, although Lev's comforting smile made her soften up and pushed the thought to the side- not away, that lecture isn't going anywhere. "Alright, alright," she said, sighing. "Morisuke-kun, Sou-kun, it's absolutely alright if you want to stay the night- scratch that, I'll set the futons. I'm not having either of you walk home this early in the morning." Her stern look dissolved any objections about to be made and she smiled once everyone was on board. "Good. Lev, take a shower, what is that stench? It smells absolutely horrible."

None of them noticed Lev tensing up for a while, before his long legs carried him towards the bathroom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Know for a fact that rape is something that absolutely no one should ever experience. I have never been through it, but that doesn't mean I don't find it inhumane and I can at least imagine how horrible it is.  
> If anyone has ever been through this, and has not recovered, I truly wish that recovery comes fast enough for you to continue life happily.  
> I cannot understand the pain you're going through, but know that I'm always available if you want someone to talk to.
> 
> This is my first work on AO3 and it was written a few years ago, so the other chapters (which was written recently) are better than this. I hope it isn't very terrible to the eye. I would certainly not be surprised by the amount of grammatical and spelling errors contained as I didn't proof-read it much. The updates may come out very slowly, but I'll try to work on them as fast as I can! (｡･ω･｡)ﾉ♡


	2. Invisible Blisters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lev tries to continue on his day and act as if _that day_ had never happened. He was sure it wouldn't be so difficult.
> 
> Oh, how very wrong he was. The first taste of the day was about to prove him wrong.

It was one of the seven wonders of the world to Haiba Alisa when her skyscraper of a younger brother managed to wake up before her 6 a.m. alarm even had the chance to set off. In fact, Lev was already in the middle of pulling his second sock up when she tiptoed down the stairs to take a bath and get breakfast ready for them. Noticing a peanut butter stained bread knife in the sink and breadcrumbs on the kitchen counter, it appears that breakfast was going to be a quick one today as only a single meal would be prepared.

What made her curious was how her brother seemed to look like a damn hollow peanut shell. Did he even get any sleep last night? His eyes were sunken with bags that could carry her luggage forming underneath it and the usual glimmer in his green eyes and skin turned dull and drained. She has never seen Lev appear this terribly before, it was even worse than Lev's cranky appearance if he didn't sleep enough.

"Lyovochka, do you want to stay at home for today?" She asked, concern lacing her expression as well as her tone. She was certain that Lev isn't in the right state to go to school now.

Lev simply shrugged and raised his tall figure up, hoisting his school bag on his shoulder as he slowly staggered towards the door. "Thanks, Alisa, but... I'll manage somehow."

That was new. His voice was shockingly raspy and dry, and barely any voice came out of his mouth that she could barely register what he had just said. "Are you sure, Lev..? I could just call your teachers and inform that you aren't feeling well." She wasn't going to back down this fight, her brother is clearly feeling unwell.

Lev just gave her a soft, reassuring smile. Despite his dull and simply exhausted appearance, his smile was always so full of brightness that Alisa always wondered how he ever did that.

"I'm fine, Alisa," he slowly waved and walked towards their doors, and Alisa had a little flashback of when Lev threw them open on Saturday morning, right after disappearing. "I'll call you if I feel sick, goodbye."

The door closed and Lev is out of sight, and Alisa stood there staring off the distance. This was concerning, Lev never skipped the chance to skip school before, and she kept that in mind as she offered, hoping it'd cheer him up somehow.

Something was... clearly not right about her little brother.

* * *

He simply stood there, in front of the gates amd observed the familiar path he and the vast majority of other students his age always took to get to class. Due to his much earlier arrival, the area wasn't crowded like usual and the students present are just loitering about, away from said path.

He didn't know why, but the thought of so much distance between him and other people made him feel much more comfortable.

Slowly, with longer strides in the form of rushing, he carried himself towards his classroom. The sky was still slightly dark, and the school was silent, with crickets and the faint voices of other student serving as background music. Odd, it was very odd, but despite his cravings for a healthy amount of distance from others, their presence comforts him anyways. He's- he's probably gone mad, hasn't he?

Of course, his classroom too was a much less crowded sight compared to what usually welcomed him in his usual routine. Two girls were chatting in the far corner of the room and one of the loner students appeared to be reading his notes and bobbing his head along to the music he was listening in his headphones. They appeared to be slightly surprised at the sight of him, clearly by how unusually early he was, but could also be how... _less vibrant_ he was compared the the tall glowing noisy kid they knew. Fortunately, they paid him no mind in the end as he made his way to his desk silently. He placed his bag down and quickly exited the class hoping for the same sparse of living human beings he went through just now.

He continued to make his way down the halls with slow but large steps, turning through multiple carefully chosen intersections. He noticed that by every turn he took, less students are seen, and soon enough he was all alone without a soul in sight. It made him feel... _incredibly uneasy?_

Alas, the last intersection reveals his destination in the distance. The vending machine appeared to almost be glowing beautifully, and Lev thanked whatever God out there when he saw some green tea milk still available on display. It felt like he was walking towards heaven as he quickly approached the mechanical deity, his hands awkwardly rummaging through his deep pockets for money.

Quickly jamming his money into the money slot, succeeding after six failed stressful attempts, the sound of a milk box dropping inside the take-out port sounded like an angel's holy singing as heaven's gates slowly opened and the glow within breaches out and cleans you from the unholy residuals of the mortal realm. Yeah, that was what it feels like as he sticks his hand in and out came the milk box clasped between his long, slender fingers.

He took one long sip and the milk flows down his sore throat, easing the pain and hopefully further hoarseness. The wonders of milk, told by Karasuno's first year scary goofball of a setter.

But his drunken state of euphoria was cut short, as he felt someone grab his arm.

_DANGER._

He stumbled forward so suddenly and his tall figure roughly collided against the glass door of the vending machine, the collision omitting a loud crash that echoed through the hallways and most likely into someone's ears. The impact caused him to choke on his milk, going into a violent fit of intense coughing with green milk spluttering out in huge droplets and staining his uniform.

He hastily jumped away when he felt soft caresses down his back, almost landing on his ass in the process. He didn't know why he was doing that, his body seemed to move on it's own without any control of his.

"Whoa- Lev!!" He heard someone say, but their voices sounded way too unfamiliar with his continuous choked coughing involved. "I-I'm so sorry!!" He felt hands on his arms and harshly jerked them off, despite knowing well that whoever it was- they were trying to help him.

Soon enough, as his throat felt like spitting out his spine, his fits of painful coughing slowed down. Finally, he was able to breath properly again. His throat felt like bursting open, and the feeling was far too familiar for his own liking.

His vision was a mere pile of blurry blotches at first, but soon enough his eyes were able to focus on one spot and everything finally stopped multiplying.

The first thing he saw was the soft, kind and honestly terrified face of one Shibayama Yuuki, clutching a small packet of facial tissues. The grip on the plastic wrapping appeared to be way too tight for someone who wasn't scared shitless, and Shibayama was definitely about to piss his pants. "L-Lev, I'm so sorry!!, Are you- I mean- you- ah! Are you alright?!"

The coughing probably jumbled his brains up a little, but it took him longer than usual to decipher what Shibayama said to him.

"I- I'm fine, I'm fine..." He reassured, voice twice as sore and hoarse as it had been since yesterday. He felt another round of coughing trying to break through, but managed to suppress it down his chest as he weakly smiled. "You just gave me a little fright, I'm alright..!"

Shibayama heavily sighed in relief as a delighted response to Lev's reassurance. He quickly offered the packet of tissues he was holding towards Lev, bowing down slightly in the process. "I'm so sorry... please take these to clean the stains..!"

Looking down, the stains on his uniform was worse than he thought it was, but it wasn't much of a problem in his opinion. He remembers the cheese stain he had to show off to everyone the entire day just a few weeks ago. A few splotches of light green on his shirt is nothing he couldn't handle. To show him not minding the slightest bit, he shook his head with a calm smile on his face. "It's alright, I've had worse decorating my shirt back then. And thanks!"

Appearing to have calmed down, Shibayama smiled and carefully tore the opening of the tissue packet with his tongue sticking out, pulling a sheet out just as carefully and approached Lev, his arms extended towards him. "Here, let me-"

Lev took three quick steps backwards.

Shibayama's posture paused midway as he stared at Lev, surprised and also confused by the lanky first year's sudden hasty actions. "Huh..?"

Lev realised what he just did and immediately felt like kicking himself the way Yaku did. "I-I... I didn't-..."" He stammered, before shaking his head and clearing his thoughts, regaining his composure. "I can clean myself, thank you."

"O-oh.. okay..." The smaller male said, slightly nodding and retreating himself back to his former standing position, although quite hesitant. "If you say so..."

Lev pinched the edge of the packet - he has absolutely no idea why he did that - and quickly took it away from Shibayama's small hands. He bowed, quickly thanking the libero in training and awkwardly rushing away, leaving the soft-spoken first year standing there to watch as he retreats in utter confusion.

"...what was that all about..?"

Fool. Foolish fool. That was how to literally how to define him right now. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Stupid foolish dumb idiot.

What in the hell was that? What in the hell was his dumbass thinking, retreating oh-so-unsuspiciously like that? Brilliant, Lev, now Shibayama's gonna see nothing but a rude halfie who's pride was too huge and egotistical to accept such generous help. Are his constant internal self-berating echoing thoughts being simply irrational and that he's just overreacting? Yes. Does he even realise? Maybe? _Maybe not???_

This was way too much thinking for someone as obviously stupid as him to process. After a good eleven minutes of stressful ruffling, clutching and tugging his gorgeous silver locks, he resorted to pressing his soft yet slightly calloused palms on his face, squishing his beautiful nose, and just groan-screamed. He didn't realise a few of his other classmates looking at him with very obvious worry, concern and also a pinch of fear in their eyes, but this wasn't about them. No, this was clearly about how _stupid he was_.

He slowly slid his palms down to his chin as he stared at the crooked and abused edge of his desk. Merely out of curiosity, Lev ran the tip of his finger across the jagged edges. They were slightly sharp and spiky, unsurprisingly, and Lev could feel rusty staplers in them. He was pretty sure his unfathomable bad luck was the reason he ended up with a shitty table while others got a decent one, or maybe somewhere throughout the year some bastard ended up with this table and swapped it out with someone else's, either randomly or intentionally Haiba Lev.

He lifted his finger up and was a little surprised to see slight scrapes and cuts on the tip of his finger. He scrunched up his face in confusion. Had he developed some sort of pain-tolerance for not noticing? He was fairly sure the edge wasn't _that_ sharp, and he would have surely felt the sting if his skin were to break. Something about it didn't quite settle properly in his stomach 

Only when he trailed his eyes lower below the cuts did he realize that the table was not at fault. The cuts were dried and weren't stinging against the cold air, and the skin around it didn't glow a faint red hue. With his experiences as a reckless child that never got off playing without a single scrape, he knew well how little cuts like these were supposed to look like if he _just_ got them. This- this was from that day;

He really, _really_ didn't want to remember that day.

He could still remember his fingers pathetically clawing against the jagged brick walls and the rough concrete ground, desperate for grip. He could still remember both of his wrists being harshly pinned on said ground by strong, rough disgusting sweaty hands. With his palms forcefully pressed on the sandpaper-like surface, occasionally sliding across it, it was no wonder that he eventually got cuts and scrapes decorating his previously soft, flawless hands. He remembers that they stung, he remembers the faint red color;

He remembers handprints.

Unceremoniously, his throat started to itch and he felt bubbly acid consisting of last night's beef stew creeping their way up his throat and he quickly clamped his mouth with both hands to avoid further inconveniences. Standing up and knocking his chair down, freaking out the other students, his long legs ran with large, scrambled strides towards the toilet.

He could feel the rough cuts on his lips. They didn't help at all.

Reaching the toilet and kicking one of the vacant stall's door open, his knees painfully landed on the tiled, wet floor and he gripped the disgusting seat of the toilet, balancing himself before hunching his back over with his face as close to the toilet bowl as he can without actually shoving it in. He opened his mouth and squeezed his throat, waiting for the big splash but it never came. He dry heaved violently, hoping he could at least get the stuff out but it was no use. All he managed to push out was air that smelt like sour spoilt milk and a heavy amount of saliva dripping in a long continuous string.

He stared at the clear stagnant water at the bottom of the bowl, actually hoping to see the green acidic and horribly-stenched liquid with bits of rice collected below. It was as if the toilet bowl was mocking him and he would've snorted at the ridiculous thought.

In the end, his iron grip on the germ-infested seat was released, followed by weakly slumping his lanky figure against the wet floor. Burying his pale face into his hands, he could feel the absence of a healthy amount of heat on the skin of his face. He couldn't think properly anymore, his mind racing through so fast he wasn't sure if sanity was by his side at the moment.

He suddenly felt dizzy, like, motion dizzy. It wasn't until a drip of saltwater crashing to the ground did he realize that tears were being shed. Like, a whole party of tears suddenly started dripping to the ground and some inconveniently onto his shoes. It didn't make it better when he suddenly started sobbing.

He pressed the back of his trembling hand onto his lips, trying to muffle down any pathetic noises he was sure was about to explode out of him any second now. Occasional sniffles and light sobbings bounced off the tiles surrounding him, hiding his pitiful yet pathetic self away from the real world for a short while. A nice, short while.

_"...Lev..?"_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh? Who was so fortunate yet at the same time so unfortunate to stumble upon the cheerful giant crying in the school toilets?
> 
> Also I realize this chapter is kind of boring and lame since writer's block has been getting on my nerves and my ideas are just lacking in general, I'm sorry (；^ω^)... 
> 
> (Again, don't mind any mistakes please!!)


	3. Stupid

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing but a fool, aren't you Lev?

_"...Lev..?" ___

____

____

Lev's entire tall physique jolted, probably even jumped off of the earth for a moment.

That voice. He knew that voice. He'd recognize that voice anywhere, no matter how muffled or faint. He'd never fail to ascertain the beholder of that sweet, calming - sometimes simply irritated, with him at fault - and just lovely voice. Yaku Morisuke was on the other side of the door, and his presence made Lev's heart slightly giddy and lovestruck, and his face settling onto a stupid grin, a complete slave to his emotions. Yep, he's definitely gone mad.

But his smile slightly faltered as his mind processed further. Yaku Morisuke was on the other side of the door. Yaku Morisuke knew Haiba Lev was on the other side of the door. Yaku Morisuke heard Haiba Lev.

Yaku Morisuke heard Haiba Lev cry.

Not only did his smile vanish at that, his entire happy idiot expression was completely replaced with that of pure horror and panic. How would Yaku react if he saw the bumbly, loud and happy-go-lucky Lev, who almost never frowns in a depressed state but always in a baby-manner, actually crying and sobbing pathetically in the school toilets before class even started?

He has to come up with a passable excuse. Quick.

What would be a passable excuse to crying in the toilets that doesn't involve panic attacks stemming from intense trauma? Should he say that he was bullied? No, if he said that then motherly Yaku would force him to tell him the 'bully's' name and he'll hunt him down like death itself. Well, if the bully even existed in the first place.

Maybe he could say that he was... Like that pretty setter from Fukurodani, overthinking and accidentally going into an anxious self-doubting and self-berating frenzy? No, that was too unbelievable. Lev doesn't overthink - in fact, he's so stupid he probably underthinks, if that was a word in the first place. In his case, it certainly is.

And Lev isn't a girl either. He can't be like Alisa, who has dangerous and threatening mood swings due to 'girl problems' he wouldn't have understood. If he says that he's trans, the truth would come out eventually and Yaku wouldn't trust him anymore.

In fact, that was why every other lies Lev tried to come up with was simply crushed up and chucked into the bin. The truth would come out eventually. And to risk Yaku-san's precious trust like that? Not in a million or more years.

"Lev."

Welp. No time for thinking now. He knows that Yaku isn't gonna budge any time soon. Either both of them remains in the toilets until both of them has grey hair, seperated by a plastic door, or Lev gets his ass the fuck up and show himself to his senpai like a man.

Although, at this point, after that day and the miserable days that followed... Lev wasn't so sure if he was even a man anymore.

Slowly hoisting himself up, supported by the walls as his long trembling legs struggled to cooperate with gravity and find balance. It proved to be more difficult than he assumed it to be.

_"Lev."_

Lev chuckled at the tone of the voice, hard like before yet the presence of command somehow multiplied. _Impatient as always, Yaku-san..._

His long, slender yet slightly knobbly fingers struggled to cooperate with each other and may or may not have gotten tangled up in the process, but eventually he managed to pull the lock out and the door, safely distancing and seperating himself from Yaku-san's motherly yet harsh comfort, swung open and Yaku's annoyed frown was revealed.

That frown eventually turned into a look of utter shock and disbelief, with his eyebrows soon scrunching against each other in obvious worry, his sharp eyes digging into his disheveled form. Lev wouldn't deny it, he could actually physically feel it. As beautiful as they say he is, he obviously looks like wrecked shit who can't get a grip on whatever problem he has going on right now.

Soon Yaku's piercing sharp eyes rolled up and made contact with Lev's. His harsh, furious glare digging into Lev's green, scared ones, as Yaku silently demands an answer to this.

Sweat trickled down Lev's pale - if not paler than before - face, down to his chin and crashing onto the ground. Yaku's mother-mode, not to mention a much more upgraded version powered up by parental anxiety, was something one should not ever triffle with, if they so much as love their hearing ability undamaged.

Lev's tongue probably stopped functioning at the worst possible time. He couldn't form any words in his head, let alone perform it verbally. All he could do was try and keep his eyeballs firm and steady, not leaving Yaku's glare by any means. He has no idea if it would do any good, but maybe it would prevent further raised suspicions?

"Explain."

Prevent further raised suspicions his dick. Of course Yaku would be suspicious and concerned from seeing his cheerful kōhai weeping in the toilets like fuckin' Moaning Myrtle.

"It's..." Lev bit his lip, his words trailing away. What to say, what to say, what to say... He rummages back through the box of excuses set aside earlier but of course, that nagging voice at the back of his head was screaming at him to shut the fuck up and never utter a word ever again and plead for him to just break down and let everything out at the same time. Brain jumbled up, tongue tangled, he stood there like the idiot he was, just a little bit more stupid.

"Lev. Tell me what happened." Yaku's sharp voice bellowed, his hands on his hips and his eyebrows pressed together. His glare could've bought Lev to his knees if he tried hard enough. "And don't you dare give me a shitty excuse, _idiot."_

_Idiot._

...

"...Huh..?" Like a pathetic fish, his lips stammered as the basic insult left Yaku's mouth, the frequently used nickname seemingly having a different impact on him now. It seems to also have an echoing effect, those you usually hear in bollywood movies. It was as if the meaning, the message, felt different. What it was, Lev didn't know. Lev didn't understand. But his mind was interpreting it in a way it shouldn't.

"You heard what I said, dumbass. Stop acting stupid and speak up."

_Dumbass._

_Stupid._

The third year's voice came out harsher this time, seemingly irritated by Lev's chosen response. Lev's brows furrowed, the walls of his throat squeezed against each other and his chest felt like it was carrying a boulder. His heart felt like it was violently tossed around, knots and such forming in his stomach and he didn't enjoy the feeling at all. He didn't notice it but his lips started quivering, his nails digging into his palms. It seemed that Yaku, too, didn't notice, as he continued his yelling,

"Did you even hear what I said? Oi, what the fuck happened?!"

No. No, Lev couldn't hear what Yaku said. It sounded as if Yaku's voice was terribly distorted, trying to connect through terrible and frequently interrupted radio signals and only hearing occasional clear words. And those words were the basic insults Yaku used against him on a daily basis, the ones he should've gotten used to and should be unaffected by after months of having them aggressively hollered at him.

_Idiot._

_Dumbass._

_Stupid._

So basic. So normal. It shouldn't hurt him. He shouldn't feel hurt.

But it did. He did.

Because those words properly defined him, reminded him of _that day_ , when his idiocracy lead him to a nightmare, when he was reminded that he was nothing but a **fool.**

**_It's painfully humiliating to remember._ **

_"Please stop, Yaku-san..."_

A few moments of silence followed the croaky sentence. Yaku stared at the younger albeit much taller boy in shock and confusion, with guilt weighing his stomach.

His palms pressed against his ears, his eyes shut tight that failed to stop the long stream of tears, his lips quivering with silent sobs and his entire large figure hunched over into one, pathetic, whimpering ball on the ground. He was shaking so hard it was visible. Yaku didn't know what to do - fuck it, he didn't even understand what's going on. Did he do something to hurt him so much? To the point that it'd look _this_ painful..?

"L-Lev..?" No response. He extended his arm to try and comfort him but stopped, hesitated, before retracting the limb back to himself. He didn't know why, but there was a nagging feeling that's telling him that he would regret doing it.

So he decided to observe. He observed how tightly Lev's palms were pressed against his ears, showing just how desperate he was for silence... or rather, how desperate he was for Yaku to shut up.

He was no Kuroo or Kenma in terms of observing and studying someone silently - except perhaps if it came to predicting where someone will hit the ball towards for him to save - but it was painfully obvious that it was his words that had sent the tall boy to such a weak state, crying and sobbing that much.

He tried to think of something to do, something to say, because there was no way in hell he would leave Lev crying without even attempting to comfort him. He just wished the words soon chosen are the right ones.

"Lev, Lev look at me." Yaku's voice was somewhere between harsh and demanding to calm and soothing. He really, really wanted to sooth him not only with his words, but also physically. Years as a senior or at the very least, the most mature one, lead him to do the comforting and reassuring, and physical comfort had always been added into the mixture. But the thought of going anywhere near Lev right now caused his guts to almost curl into itself, telling him that doing that will lead to a disaster he wasn't so sure what. It's just a simply caress or pat on the back, yet it felt... _risky_.

Lev's trembling appeared to slowly ease, his shoulders limping and a little more relaxed compared to the restless buckling that almost panicked Yaku. But he was still shaking, he was still panicked and he was still hurt, and the mere fact that his pain was still present and not fully dissipated unsatisfied the libero.

"Lev..?" He tried once more. This time, however, all authority and demand completely dissolved. It should've been clear from the start that his usual commanding tone wouldn't do much good, so he had to resort to a new tactic. He wasn't very familiar with this calming type of comfort. He was way more used to a much more austere approach, so Yaku can only hope to not make a wrong move.

Slowly, although Yaku was still a bit shocked and surprised, Lev lowered his hands and raised his head. Whatever stress pressuring him just now appeared to have been alleviated, judging by the lack of violent trembling. Soon Yaku was able to get a good look on his face.

It was expected, but it was still heartbreaking, and Yaku's heart squeezed itself in a way he didn't enjoy. Lev's face looked the exact opposite of the optimistic first year that always stumbled through the gym doors, always greeting so enthusiastically with a bright, happy smile on his face. Now, it was replaced with an expression that practically screams pain. His grey eyebrows furrowed, his eyes red and tear streaks visible on his pale cheeks.

"You- w-what... what happened, Lev..?" That question sounded quite stupid, if Yaku were to be honest. But the sight of Lev in a state he wasn't used to almost made him want to cry himself. Just what exactly is he going through? Just what exactly happened..? "Lev, you know you can ta-"

"I'm sorry, okay?" Lev interrupted, so suddenly it terribly startled Yaku, who took a step back, clearly caught off guard. "I'm sorry I'm an idiot. I'm sorry I'm stupid, a dumbass, a half-brained kid who can't think properly to save his life." He went on, his voice growing in terms of intensity. One of his hands coming back up but this time, into his hair, tugging and ruffling it in a distressed way.

"I'm sorry I wasn't smart enough to take care of myself. I'm sorry I was too much of a imbecile. I'm sorry I disappointed you and everyone else. I'm sorry for everything..!" Yaku could see Lev's eyebrows starting to furrow against each other and his forehead started to scrunch, and if he wasn't mistaken, even a vein popped out. Tears of frustration built up by the corner of his green eyes, and his teeth started to dig into the insides of his cheeks. He immediately stood up, startling Yaku once more, as if he didn't look so weak and fragile just a few seconds ago. Intense green eyes challenged his amber ones. "I'm sorry, I really am! I try to just grow up but in the end, my idiocracy remind me that I'm nothing but a stupid kid! I'm sorry you and Alisa had to endure all of that! I'm sorry that for once in my life I can't even _try_ to become an adult!!"

It went on and on, self-berating insults and such being screamed out in an endless rant. It took Yaku time to even process the entire thing to begin with, disbelief and shock overwhelming him as he struggles to take it all in. It felt like some unbelievable illusion, to see the ever-so-optimistic Haiba Lev, insulting himself like he's nothing but filthy garbage.

He wanted to stop him. He didn't want to continue listening to Lev breaking himself down any moment longer. He didn't want to hear such self-hatred from the most happiest person he's ever known. He couldn't take it anymore, Yaku couldn't take anymore of this.

"Lev! You- you gotta calm-" He didn't even have the chance, his lips sealed shut as Lev suddenly glared at him. "No, not a word. I don't need you to continue reminding me of the lack of brains I have. I don't need you to remind me of how stupid I am!" His voice thundered, bouncing off the bathroom tiles only to intensify his words. "You don't have to remind me of how immature I am, of how childish I am, of how much of an idiot I am, Yaku. Because I know! I KNOW AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO TELL ME THAT!!!"

His eyes red and irritated from the saltwater that never seemed to stop flowing, his teeth gritted against each other from pure frustration, his nails digging into his palms and the uneven breathing that made him seem all the more threatening, it was clear to Yaku that something had happened to Lev. That much was obvious, but only now did Yaku knew that whatever happened to him, it was way more severe and horrible than he had thought.

With him paralyzed from shock and confusion, Lev took this opportunity to leave. Swerving the smaller one without any contact, he made his way to the exit and was ready to forget this ever happened. Maybe apologize soon, but then all this will be left behind and never to be spoken of ever again.

"Wait- Lev!!" Lev's nose flared as he turned to face his senior, ready to send out another verbal attack before he felt a firm grip on his arm.

The burn stung, and the reaction was immediate.

Lev's eyes widened and the first thing he did was attempt to yank his arm away, but the strength of the hand latched onto his arm forbade him from doing so. Yaku's grip was persistent, not relenting despite Lev's pulls and tugs. "Lev, please.. tell me what happened." He pleaded, but it fell on deaf ears.

"L-let me go, Yaku..!!" Lev's voice cracked, but neither of them cared. One was determined to get answers and one just wanted nothing more than to leave, and both of them were as stubborn as stains on a pan. "Tell me what happened!" Yaku fought back, not giving up.

"It's none of your business, just let go!" Lev's desperation was shown in his voice, and the violent pull of his arm trying to break free showed no less.

Yaku scoffed but didn't let go. "I just want to help you!!"

"I don't want your help! Leave me alone!!"

"Why won't you tell me?!"

"I said it's none of your business! Let me go!!"

"Just tell me what happened! Why were you crying?!"

"Yaku, let go!!!"

"Why, what happened?! Who did this to you?! Tell me what happened to you, please Lev!!!"

_"Y-Yaku!!!"_

_"WHAT HAPPENED??!!"_

Lev screamed.

A loud, explosive, ear-piercing, glass-shattering, guttural scream was let free, immediately making it's way into Yaku's eardrums. The libero's hands wasted no time in letting go and pressing themselves against his ears. It felt like his head was about to burst and split open, and the throbbing ache that followed wasn't any better. He wouldn't be surprised if he couldn't hear properly after that.

The first thing he saw once he finally opened his eyes was a sight that made guilt settle heavily into his stomach. Lev, face stricken with horror as his blown eyes looked at Yaku with nothing but fear within them. Yaku felt terrible. Yaku felt like garbage. The arm he gripped so persistently just moments ago was covered out of sight by Lev's other hand, clutching it like it was burnt.

When Yaku's hands started to leave his ears, Lev immediately slipped out of the door and left. Yaku didn't even had the chance to stop him, as the dizziness and aching hadn't lifted yet.

Stumbling a little, Yaku followed after Lev.

Pushing the door open, he was greeted by someone but certainly not Lev. He was looking behind him and sure enough, Lev could be seen from afar before turning a corner and slipping out of sight. The guy turned back around and his sharp eyes made contact with Yaku's. And boy, do they look angry.

"What did you do?" Kuroo's deep voice bellowed, causing Yaku to slightly flinch.

"I..." His voice trailed off, as images of Lev's face, hurt and furious, flashed through his mind, and the faint sound of a scream echoes along.

"I-I don't know..."

* * *

Lev's occasional sniffling echoed through the hallways, and thankfully no one was in sight. He didn't think he could handle staring from anyone right now.

His throat was dry and hoarse, his head was throbbing in pain and so was his arm, his eyes stung and his nose was itchy... and he was utterly furious.

He didn't understand, this feeling of rage and irritation. Certainly, he was enraged at Yaku, but there was something else that he just couldn't pinpoint. But whatever it was, it's causing a vein to pop out and sooner or later his head would split open, because the pain certainly felt like that was about to happen.

His face was covered behind his hand, so he couldn't exactly see where he was going. He was pretty sure it's too early for class still, so he's just allowing his feet to lead the way. Wherever it would take him, as long as he was away from Yaku and whoever it was he bumped into on the way out.

He kept on walking, his pace seemingly going faster as irritation continued to bubble inside of him, the rage causing his movement to seem almost stiff and hasty, like he was struggling to simply walk.

And just when he took a sharp turn around a corner, he collided into someone.

Strong hands gripped his elbows, steadying him from a painful fall and cheerfully saying "I got'cha!", before Lev quickly took several steps backwards, making distance. Removing his hand from his field of vision, he was greeted by the sight of one of his best friends, Inuoka Sou.

Inuoka's face was smiling like usual, at first, before it melted away into a look of concern - something Lev has gotten several times today.

"You, uh.. you don't look so good..." Lev merely chuckled in response, although it sounded quite hollow. "Gee, thanks Sou."

Inuoka shook his head. "I mean it. What happened..?" He clearly meant well from that sentence, but Lev couldn't exactly hold down the feeling of annoyance. He sighed, "I.. don't wanna talk about it...""

Inuoka's look of concern only grew, but he didn't persist, something Lev was utterly thankful of. "Well.. if you're so sure..." Inuoka said, scratching the back of his head awkwardly. Lev grimly laughed. He'll probably find out soon, during practice, when he'll be forced to interact with Yaku.

"I'm sure."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sO sorry for posting this chapter late but of course, the tag 'Slow to Update' has already warned you and forgiven me, so please forgive me. ｡:ﾟ(;´∩`;)ﾟ:｡
> 
> This chapter is still kinda short so I'm sorry, I really didn't know how to end this chapter so it's kinda boring :/ although I really enjoyed writing it!
> 
> Comments fuel my soul, and I will reply to all of them!✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧  
> (And pls tell me of any spelling or grammatical mistakes found in this! I didn't even beta!)


	4. A/N

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Notes for the lovely and patient readers of this book ꒰⑅ᵕ༚ᵕ꒱˖♡_

_Hello( ╹▽╹ )ﾉ!! Donnie (the writer) here!!(｡•̀ᴗ-)✧_

_I just wanna say thank you so much to everyone who took up their precious time in reading this, leaving lovely comments that motivates me to feed myself and write more, leaving kudos's which I am forever thankful of and even having the patience of a saint for the next chapter!! Some even love it enough to bookmark this!!!(☆▽☆)_

_When I first started writing this, I never really had high hopes for the story, so waited around two years to actually publish it because there are WAY too little Lev angst.ಠ︵ಠ Anyways, I never really was satisfied by how the story was going, and I actually planned to delete it by the second chapter. But seeing so many of you loved the story, I decided not to. In the end, I was way too unhappy with what I wrote.｡:ﾟ(;´∩`;)ﾟ:｡_

_So, rather than deleting 'Touch', I decided to rewrite it entirely.(~‾▿‾)~ The story will go on almost exactly like the previous chapters, but I will try to make it look better! I have been practicing writing stories in a while, and I believe I can write this story better than how it is right now!! EVOLVE, MY FANFICTION୧( ಠ Д ಠ )୨!!!_

_Again, a big big BIG thank you to all my patient readers!!!～(つˆДˆ)つ｡☆_

_The rewritten version will come out soon〜(꒪꒳꒪)〜!! Until then, I need to eat more..._

_(｡･ω･｡)ﾉ♡_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( ˘ ³˘)♥


End file.
